Wanted to finally get this widely enjoyed piece up on my main site, so here ’tis!
When you’re tired of stressing about birth,
The solution is oh so plain to see;
No more rolling condoms on your girth–
She can stop taking those nasty pills,
Flushing hormones from her pee,
Making downstream animals ill:
But you don’t want it to burn when you piss.
I know, you’re worried about an STD!
Well, all I have to say is this–
Stop putting such a burden on poor women.
Take on your own responsibility.
No more sperm in your semen swimmin–
No more, ‘Where’s my baby’s mama?’
No more abortion pleas.
No more Hitlers or Osamas–
Overpopulation is the world’s bane.
To global life it is a curse.
Don’t worry about the procedure’s pain,
You’ve felt so much worse.
It’s nothing like a kidney stone,
Really not a big deal.
Nothing like a broken bone.
You won’t even miss a meal!
After the Novocaine makes you numb
All you feel is a gentle tug,
Of total discomfort a tiny sum,
And the strange smell of a burning rug.
That’s the sealing of your vas deferens tube.
Now your billion bastard babies perish inside–
On your body, a brilliant medical rube!
With scars tiny, not a centimeter wide.
And if you want to raise a child,
Think about the most righteous option;
It’s really not an idea so wild–
Never again a pregnancy scare,
Worrying, stressing, feeling sick,
Pulling at the roots of your hair,
Waiting on that piss-soaked stick.
And think of all the fun to be had!
Sex any time, anywhere.
Leave the rubbers at your pad,
Now you can raw dog in there!
Get it on wherever you are;
Almost any quiet place will do–
The movies, the back of a bar;
Even a Starbuck’s drive-thru!
Free to be
Oh to be